This monologue contains religous references which some people may find offensive.

SCENE 1 – Bedroom in a bungalow in spain

I’ve just been fucked by Jesus, well, he pronounces it “Heysooz”, but its Jesus all the same. God, he was beautiful, a deep tan, a lovely hairy chest, and a face like Danny from McFly. He really took me to heaven and back. 10 minutes of pure ectasy. Not that this was my first time, but you could tell that he knew what he was doing. Not like my Billy Shepherd, a quickie round the back of the school canteen. That’s how he earned his nickname – minute man. No, I’m joking, Billy’s OK, but he just lacks experience, there’s no danger of Jesus being accused of that.

Mum and Dad thought I was asleep in the Bungalow, but I couldn’t sleep with the buzz of the Spanish nightlife drifting into my open window. So, I climbed out the window, and followed the sounds. Well you didn’t expect me to stay in did you, I’d already passed up the chance to go to the “Praise Him” disco with the other families, but I thought I’d give it a miss. Yep, we’re here on the Christian Families Spanish holiday week. I don’t really get a choice on where I want to go. “You’re coming with us”, my mum would say, “and hopefully you’ll forget about that Billy”. Mum is such a freak, God this, God that. I swear that she has gone to the chapel so often that there is an imprint of her bum on the front pew. She always tells me to pray before bedtime, apparently that is the only way to find God, well I found the next best thing – Jesus.

Hmmm, Jesus. He was working in the first bar I passed, he beckoned me in with his gorgeous smile. “How old you?” he asked. “18” I said, people are always saying I can get away with 18. Well I sat at the bar until closing time. He kept giving me free drinks, you know, those little shots. I didn’t feel giddy until I stood up, and Jesus was there to catch me. He then leaned in and kissed me. We did it right there on the bar, he was getting all sweaty and shouting something like “PUTA PUTA”. I think he was saying that he loves me. God he was so big, its been two hours since we did it, but I can still feel him inside. I know it sounds daft, seeing as I just met him, but I really think I love him.

SCENE 2 – THE CLINIC

I'm still being fucked by Jesus. I’ve only been back for two weeks but I noticed this funny white discharge from (you know) there. I daren’t tell my mum, she still thinks I’m a virgin. It must be her catholic upbringing, she keeps banging on about the values of a white wedding.

Well, my best friend Jenny told me about this place, the Genito… the Geniurin… The GU clinic – apparently they don’t tell your mum or your GP or nothing, its very discrete. I didn’t want to ask Jenny how she knew, a bit of a slapper she is. I’m all ready for them if they ask my date of birth – 5 th Jan 1987. God it makes me sound so old, born in the eighties!

I’m up next, God, I’m so scared.

I really have been fucked by Jesus. They wouldn’t give me anything. They asked me so many questions. Was I on the pill? Who I slept with, their contact details, and everything. They even gave me a lecture about condoms and protection!

I don’t even know Jesus’ mobile number. I didn’t see him after that night – every time I passed the bar, he disappeared. Billy’s been so sweet since I’ve been back, even bought me the new McFly CD.

Well I got my results too, they come back positive. Mum’s going to kill me.

I’m being saved by Jesus, apparently. Mum sent me here to the “Christian Assistance Centre for Young Troubled Women” in other words a convent – I didn’t have a choice. When I told her, I saw a whole change in her face, from concern to embarrassment, and even a touch of fear. She said that the nuns would be able to sort out both problems, the one growing in my belly, and the evil in my head. I think she really hates me. On the rare occasions that she visits, its like she’s looking at this evil monster that has taken over her daughter’s body. I did try and talk to her about an abortion, but “I will not have blood on my hands” Its almost like I am a prisoner in my own body. I don’t really get a say. They think its Billy Shepherd’s, and our families nearly came to blows over it. Poor Billy.

It's going to be adopted, again I have no choice, otherwise I’ll be shown the door on my 16 th birthday. It was the first time I’d heard my mum use the word bastard. Poor Dad, he doesn’t know what to do. I can see him wanting to hug me, but he looks at mum and then changes his mind. The nuns are OK, although they have this pitiful look all the time. Sister Mary makes me laugh occasionally “Boys are only after one thing, and after they have got it, they don’t want to know anymore, let the boy get to know the real you first, if he’s the right one, he’ll wait until marriage for you”. Why is it with all the nuns, no matter where they’re from, always have this Irish lilt about them? <pause> At nights I sit in the dorm, and hear the bustling noises through the window. Of course I’m too big to climb through it now.

Billy’s so sweet, he sent me flowers – they won’t let him see me, or even let me have his letters, but he sent then from Belinda, can you believe that. The note said, “You’ve got a friend”. Funny isn’t it, he’s the only one that wants to know me now. Mum & Dad are making their feelings known by their absence, Jenny hasn’t sent any letters, at least Billy still cares. <pause> Jesus.